"The Hardest One" - The Clay Breakers Series

There is more than what meets the eye with Crockd.Β 

Every kit comes with a set of Clay Breakers designed to get friends to talk about whatΒ really matters. We all have a story and we all deserve to be seen, supported and celebrated.Β 

These digital clay breakers have been anonymously answered by the greater Crockd community. We've shared them here for you to reference when you're feeling flat and alone to remind you that feelings are only temporary andΒ no matter how dark it feels, the light is on it's way.

Take a moment and share your story here...

Who do you admire and why?

My inner circle mates. I'm surrounded by this incredibly empowered, nurturing group of go-getters. They're unapologetic, risk takers, creative, deeply kind, self aware, boundary pushing, out of this world funny, dirty minded, pure of heart, and are always there for each other, no matter what.


Why do your friends admire you?

Because I'm their mama haha (I'm the oldest in the group). Because of three things: I have the balls to go after what I want, I don't give a fuck about what other people think and I care.

What are you most afraid of?

Honestly, I'm not afraid of anything. Truly. That sounds bold, but I'm at a point in my life where I've learnt two great things from experiencing some pretty hard shit: (1) that I will survive, that there will be joy again, even through the greatest heartache, (2) there is no such thing as failure.


When was the last time you felt anxious and why?

When we (Melbourne) first went into Stage 4 Lockdown due to Coronavirus (back in early August). My housemate had just moved to Sydney at the last minute before the borders closed, to take a job. And my boyfriend had just had to move back to France, without any idea when we could be together again. So I was all alone, not legally allowed to have any human contact, not legally allowed to work anymore, and no idea when I would be able to be with the ones I love again. Of course these feelings passed, and hope and optimism returned, but it's been quite the rollercoaster.


Have you ever struggled with your mental health? If so, how?

Yes. The year after I left my husband. We'd been together 10 years and I deeply loved him, but we just weren't right anymore. The following 12 months were some of the greatest times of my life, but also some of the lowest. For the first time ever I found myself truly alone, and I thrived in that, I took a significant amount of time out of my business - I had been going a million miles an hour to grow it for several years by that point and I was at burn out. I lived on my own for the first time ever. I was single for the first time ever. I learnt so much about myself, that I am eternally grateful for that time. But I also experienced such intense anxiety. I had became detached from my business. So much of my identity was made up from what I did, that I was lost. I was also dead broke by that stage because of it. It was the first time in my life that I had ever accepted and asked for money from people. The experience was truly humbling and terrifying! Each month paying the monstrous amount of rent that I did on my own, was stressful, all my bills were late. I remember the lowest point was in Aldi and I had just transferred $1.25 (of my overdraft) between accounts just to buy strawberry jam. Literally I had no money for jam! It was the first time in my life that I wavered in my belief of feeling 'invincible'.


How do you value your self worth?

Above all else. It is truly the life blood to existing in all the other ways that I need to.


What has your experience with Mental Health been? How did you cope?

I've lost a number of people to suicide in my life. The hardest one, was the first one. She was my best friend and like an older sister to me. I found out that she'd died by seeing it on Facebook. It absolutely gutted me. I went into a hibernation of grief. I was surprised at just how gripping it was on me. When I found out, I immediately had to be around people that knew her like I did, so I flew back home to Tasmania. Her family had decided to have a private, family-only funeral for her, which was tough to take, as someone who loved her so dearly, not getting that chance to say 'goodbye'. So our closest circle of friends had own own funeral for her. We shared stories, hugged, cried. I still get the wind taken out of me at the most unexpected moments from the grief of missing her. I always spend the anniversary of her death, generally alone in my sadness and celebrate her life that I was lucky enough to share with her while I did.


How do you stay in control of your mental health?

I have two main ways of coping. I really honour when I need alone time and never shy aware from feelings of sadness, anxiety, uncertainty, stress, grief. I find if I directly address and truly allow myself to feel all of these feelings, I process them, understand more about myself, and let them go. I find writing and listening to really fucking sad music are great tools for me. The other way is by reaching out and seeking counsel from my inner circle of loved ones. I'm a big open talker, and my family and friends' honesty and support has brought me back from the brink many, many times over. I am eternally grateful for their presence in my life.

Leave a note for yourself for 5 years time...

Remember that time when the entire world had shut down due to a global pandemic and you were a prisoner of your own home, you had a curfew, you weren't allowed people over and the highlight of your week was going to Bunnings? Enjoy the shit out of every stranger you get to touch, smile at people without a mask, drink at a bar, dance on a sweaty dance floor and travel wherever the fuck you want.


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